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Sometimes people respond in a very vague way (oh just some family stuff), which will tell me that its private or they just dont want to discuss it with me and Ill drop it and switch topics. - Anthony Burgess - Sunday clears away the rust of the whole week. And then they get all pissy because the girl is taken aback by being asked out so abruptly by this guy about whom she knows pretty much nothing except his appearance. that kind of thing), whereas work is seen as almost virtuous, as my family holds work/money in high regard, and my hours are unusual enough that no one can remember what they are. 3. Especially if I have reason to suspect its just going to be some variation of wanna hang out? if you have something concrete to suggest, lead with that! But again, that often leads to a fraught conversation or hurt feelings that arent worth dealing with. I love this response: not sure what Ill be in the mood for. What sounds good on Wednesday is not always what I want to do on Saturday. LWs parent. TootsNYC, thanks for responding and considering what is said. I just had a talk with my DD about this- she will text me do we have plans Saturday I usually respond with Why? Obviously we have a different relationship than a friend to friend thing. I really enjoyed my years living in the American South, but I realized the day would never come when I wouldnt be seen as an outsider. Theyre almost certainly not trying to pry into information you consider private! is how this has been explained to me, and it makes perfect sense. I Hope You. If I have no specific plans, she thinks my time is hers (but you said you were doing nothing! and she likes to be like cousin in example 3, re her children doing lots of stuff for her because thats what good kids are supposed to do (and if were not performing like good kids, then shes a bad mother ~guilt guilt~) and she doesnt like to ask directly* so it often comes across as manipulative or passive-aggressive). They are asking whether you want to go on a date with them on Thursday. Any request for someones time, regardless of the setting of the fun variable in your mind. Oh, surviving, surviving. If you have a new question, start a new topic. No, just running some errands. You'll Get Eaten Last. Example: What are you doing? What to Reply to "Hey"? 19 Effective Text Responses - Trending Us But then she would ask me to babysit her toddler. This one is a bit tricky for me. This isnt a high-stakes issue like the LW that was abusing their partner. On the other hand, that was a while ago. She can of course say, Im taking some mental-health time, and live with whatever fallout from being an unhelpful family member. I think the ideas people are getting at is that sometimes people want to reject an invitation not because they have plans but because they dont want to attend. LW specifically said that LW is not bothered by this in peer-friends. Its all back to the lines of dominance and power again. There were SO many helpful suggestions in here. In my case its also true (OH is much better at executive function than me). Must say I kinda love your kids response. You obviously dont have to do things any differently than you are, BUT if this conversation is frustrating and/or awkward, you may find that it goes more smoothly if you offer something up. Indeed, I often hear it as an attempt to trap me into doing something. Indoor Cat says feeling unsafe would have been the most damaging to her relationships with her parents long term. What are you doing Thursday is a way to start a convo gently and without losing face, giving the answerer has the option of answering negatively, positively, or neutrally. More words, people, not less. Its okay that my body needs time to recuperate. The joke about (insert joke) cracked me up on your profile. Oh my god I have to go to (thing) which is (plaaaaace). LW, if it makes you feel any better, when many people ask this question, they arent doing it to trap you into something (though some are, of course). If you have plans, just say so. (beaming smile) (speaking a bit slowly) So you go on (big cheery gesture) on your own because youre interrupting our discussion time.. What are you doing tomorrow? Vacuuming the cat. And part of why Im asking is because maybe you just havent thought about it in those terms. I agree with the Captain that its all about boundaries. Them (if it was an invitation prequel) would Thursday at noon work for you?, Them We need to have lunch soon Because if she werent a family member, Id throw her out on her ear; she sure as hell wouldnt be in my home with all her stuff. I dont want to give you a rundown of my plans. Try these OOO messages to let people know you're taking a break. I cringe sometimes because a lot of the send awkwardness back to sender! advice overlaps with the kind of thing he does and yeah, it costs him. They have the right to call on us and expect us to come through. I have myself been asked that question when relatives have been looking for a babysitter so that is why it especially resonated with me. Im still seething. Ive realized its very important for us. It took a long time to figure out that I could just cheerfully respond, Why do you ask? In a friendly middle-class-lady voice, (almost as if I hope they are going to tell me something wonderful!). But, I think the conclusion there is, thats not on me. Why is that worth it? Instead, choose from these five replies. After reading comments, Ive come to the conclusion that Ive over-generalized my preference (anxiety? Setting that aside for the moment, its apparently *supposed* to go like this: Life is filled with lots of required thing that some folks loathe and others either like or dont care either way. This is a whole lot easier to get if you see someone do it, but here goes: First of all, your manner while doing this will be constant big beaming smiles of absolute certainty, with big cheery extrovert gestures and rather loud but happy and beamingly-positive voice mannerisms. Cant. Its an opener, like Hot enough for you? Or How about that sportsquad at the sportsmatch? The content of your answer is secondary to the dynamic of conversation. She does recognize that its a way people make small talk and that its not likely to go away any time soon. Sadly its never QUITE a lie, hahaha. Nanani, that is absolutely true. It is a question that can be answered or echoed and nobody minds too much. What are some funny or witty responses for when someone ask you - Quora That's it, nothing extra. How Are You Doing? How to Introduce Yourself in English And the balls in their court if they were actually trying to set up something fun. Do you like, like me? Or why do I feel entitled to her presence and her company? Right now? Plus, young women and girls arent stupid they know that most people will view them as being at the absolute bottom of the dominance pecking order and will resent it if they dont answer questions put to them. I can see how doing anything on thee weekend is small talk, but that would only count if the person is someone you are not on visiting terms with, like most of my colleagues. The professor went to the restroom. I moved out from my parents when I was 25. The second interpretation of this question is, what are you doing in life? 20 questions to ask instead of "How are you doing right now?" - Quartz Theres always some kind of obligation, because theyre my parents and I love them and I want to honor what theyve done for me in giving me a great life. My range is from fine, thanks, and you to tired but otherwise good to a real answer but nothing too dark or detailed. B: Cool. Tomorrow is the weekend! The people who are asking what are you doing this weekend? before making a request are taking away the LWs easy out that is, by getting LW to admit that he/she/they are free, the option to refuse with Oh, sorry, I have plans already is no longer there. This is how I deal with it: 1. Reply with 'Hey' Back. Rock the anger, LW. I get the where are you from? question all the time. However, if you and/or your husband have used that phrase in the past where she is included in the We, shes not mishearing you/he are misspeaking. "It's happening.". One thing I think might be getting lost a bit in the discussion is the distinction between asking What are you doing this weekend as small talk indicating Im interested in your life (e.g. My parents and my in-laws have requests that my husband and I dont feel we can refuse. Why do I feel entitled to some assistance or attention from the 24-year-old who lives in my home, taking up space, who pays nothing and does no chores (because shes too unreliable, and Id just be nagging at her, or doing them for her and pissing her off)? Ill assume thats the case and check back later. ), You can also be very vague, but leave the door open for follow-up if you want to share. Like now? And then deflect back on to them. One of my friends always answered (very cheerily): Dont know! Eating. (Like, Im the kind of introvert who is good with people but I know a few who are just exhausting and who drain my battery super quickly), Could you have a conversation with her about, Were gonna have to schedule when all of our kids are walking to school. Its only a trap when the same people use it repeatedly to rope you in to doing something you would otherwise be able to avoid gracefully. not? I mean, where are you REALLY from, but whats up is harder, since nothing/dont know tends to elicit a why not? or you should be/do more fun! And I dont know what to say to that, because no just seems rude and I didnt invite them to improve my life. You can be too busy for a request, or have no conflict if you want. Unhelpful? 1. Sometimes I deal with anxiety all weekend and its hard not to judge myself for that. Here's the most obvious answer that no one can argue with. All five are initial questions, appropriate for a relatively fast . I feel like its somewhat related to not saying no also). Giving my turtle a haircut. Of course, you can replace "great" with any adjective (positive or negative) that describes your day in a general way. These guys then hope the girl will then respond with relating a fun anecdote, to which the guy will respond by asking a question or two to keep her talking, and then hell think, Great! Luckily my husband is a Mega Introvert as well (sometimes more than me) and understands my feelings. Then they can ask for details to make up their minds, or just shut you down with a no of preferred firmness if the event doesnt appeal. You dont need to read their minds as to what they mean, suss out what they mean next, or throw up defenses against prying nosiness; most of the time, it will not be necessary. If someone asks me the question, I am happy, because that means they are probably inviting me somewhere. So, since my unspoken fear in this situation is that Ill have revealed my availability for an activity I dont want to do and that Ill be too polite to outright say I dont want to go, I figured I might as well express it, even if jokingly. Yeah, I ask this of people because Im making conversation! Its aggravating, but it makes sense. 2. 101 Funny Weekend Memes to Ring in Positive Weekend Vibes - Winkgo So the correct answer is, "I'm hanging out with you." Most of the time, that's the right answer. 1. Evenings and weekends may take us a little bit longer. Now most parents dont really mean anything bad by this (theyre just used to being able to control their childs time and havent stopped to consider thats a rude way to treat an adult), so responding every time they try this with, Why, whats up? wont be a problem, followed by, that wont work for me if the invitation isnt something the adult child wants to do. My answer to this question is almost invariably Not sure yet, why? or Havent quite decided, how about you?, This might elicit a Well I was just wondering if youd like to to which I will respond, That sounds better than what I was planning, count me in or Hmm, thanks for thinking of me but I dont think Ill be able to this time. I use this regularly, as does most of my social group. I would actually be pretty weirded out by a friend who a) felt this was genuinely intrusive BUT b) also would not actually tell me they felt this was too intrusive. I like babies and pets just fine, but unless the baby is under a year old and sleeps a lot, and you have a super chill pet, Im not up to the task. To those who suggested building better boundaries with my family: Good advice. Theres an element of contempt to it, that this is what you would be doing with your time. And my mom thought I was like the most studious kid ever, because I knew that if I ever looked like I had free time, she would fill it with chores, so I always had some kind of project to work on (I did have the grades to back this up or it wouldnt have worked). LW gets that we all know this, and should be less friggin bigoted about shoving our nosy questions at a population for whom nosy questions are constantly tied to real threats of violence. ! OH ME TOO. I know theyre just trying to be friendly but it gets exhausting that starting Wednesday I have to deal with so what are you up to this weekend and then AGAIN on Monday what did you do this weekend? (So I guess Tuesday is the only day safe from that question, ha. I can deal with how are you, since that has an easy script for answering even if it took me a while to memorize it, and where are you from. to add: I think if there are people youre close to who do this a lot, like your sister, you can just tell them its a small thing but it bugs you and can they please ask a different way. If the other person isnt in a chatty mood, we go comfortably silent after a few pleasantries because the Small Talk Gods have been appeased. You went out and you didnt even invite me? he said, Well I asked you if you had plans and you said you were doing homework! Well yeah, because I had no other plans at that time because you did not indicate to me that there were any other options! Basically, I dont think people are trying to be manipulative and I do think youre overthinking this, OP. I wish people could just say I want to do (thing) do you want to do (thing) with me?, All I can tell ya is what I have been doing for years: Reluctant runners just need a nudge. And we do know that extreme surveillance is a very brutal and destructive form of torture. Get a little philosophical and it'll get everyone off of your back. Lets get together. But you have never issued a direct invitation to me in your life. Im usually free Wednesdays and Thursdays, or I could do a weekend if we plan ahead., Translation: I want to have dinner with you sometime. You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY.. Yeah, I get that it is a soft invitation, but it also feels that the hard invitation has been tossed into my lap. The same is true for both indirect hinty inquiries like doing anything on the weekend? and direct invites like Are you available for X chore/ Y funthing Saturday between 2 and 5? Or noncommittal responses like dunno, maybe or definite responses like I will make time for a few specific fun things within specific timeframe, otherwise I am unavailable. None of these is universally rude; any/all can be considered presumptuous, pushy, passive, or otherwise inappropriate to specific circumstances or relationships (and fine/desirable for others), and any/all may result in added difficulty/danger if they are spoken to a person who has the ability to cause problems if displeased, and are not what that person wants to hear. This is absolutely true; it IS rude to put someone on the spot like that. It means people will help you less, go out of their way for you less, give you poorer recommendations for your next job, and on and on. Yes, people use this question for all kinds of reasons, as LW said. They say hey, and you reply with the same. The week after is all good. I dont give any indication as to what I am up to until they tell me what they are up to. But you, yours steals the show every time. As for rentpart of my problem with that is: I would never, ever rent a room to a non-family member. Nobody ever catches the other out (you said you were fine!) because the dance must be done. I immediately turn it around on them. 22. If you dont want to do something tell them youre not allowed and your parents are really strict etc. 2. Silly Friend: do you want to do (thing)? Her presence in this household is ONLY because of her family relationship. 11 Online Dating First Message Examples That Get Responses - VIDA Select Opposite of what I want . Ive got[an alligator to befriend, etc]. However, it is true that "hanging out" is not what a person often thinks of as "OMG awesome must be there!" What is the stuff?? I do want to clarifyI miswrote: if my daughter says she needs to take some mental health time and thats why she cant spend an hour helping me w/ a family project, thats not fallout worthshes busy. Thats not an uncommon experience. I might hang out with some friends on Sunday. Me: Nope. You just need to say, like, Oh, not sure yet, how about you?. When we nearly got evicted from our housing situation, I was critically busy trying to find an apartment for me and the housemates, and it kind of annoyed me to have friends pinging me like Heyyy, I miss you, can we get lunch this week, without finding out if I was actually available first. It's nice that they want to know about your plans, but their curiosity can feel more like an interrogation. DP: As you know, [ note, I do not know ] I need someone to [ renew my library book | paint my bathroom | walk my parakeet | clean my cat litter ] and I hoped you might help. 30 Best Replies To "What's Up?" (Funny & Friendly) I do have friends who have trouble planning things for various reasons and often say things like I miss you or We should hang out more without doing anything to make it happen. So, when I do this I really am trying to get a feel for whether a busy people-pleaser like my Sis actually has time to do something on Saturday, rather than outright asking from the start and leading to her twisting herself into a pretzel trying to free up that specific block of time for me because she doesnt want to say no, Reading the LWs feelings about this situation and the comments, I can totally understand why someone would hate being asked in this way and why it might make it harder for some people to refuse something they dont want to do after theyve said theyre free, but Im still not quite sure what the solution is when dealing with someone who usually *does* seem to treat invitations as subpoenas. Bear in mind that you may only ask where are you from once, but the person with the non-local accent is not unlikely to be asked multiple times a day, every single day for YEARS; and POC may be on the receiving end for their whole lives. I can tell you out of personal experience that the constant repetition of this makes you feel a lot like you will never be fully accepted as part of the society/community you live in. Go For a Run: Once again, running will not require spending any money, only your energies. Fine, thanks, and you? I am on the spectrum, so I would anxiety-spiral about whether, once again, I missed a basic social skill everyone else learned in kindergarten. I usually just say Im doing laundry. Thats kind of taking it 4 out of context to say they dont understand. OMG yes! When someone really finds you funny over text, they may send laughing emoji or 'haha'. I feel like letting her sleep is far more important than my social life right now., Sorry, I know it sounds like a stupid excuse. Is everyone busy? But it is a cost. 79 Funny And Flirty Response To "I Hate You" Better Responses I want to ask you to help me with a project tonight. Just about the only good answer is, That doesnt work for me/us, followed by, Asked and answered, when they dont want to take that answer. And when things are something that I consider a family obligation, I make it clear (I need you tocan you? I want to put a claim on your time for X, will that work? etc.) And I try to be easier on myself for not having more exciting weekend plans. Canned responses are pre-written messages that allow customer support agents to respond to customer issues at the drop of a hat. If you need an answer right now then Im gonna have to say no.. I miss you though, can we plan dinner soon? And I have a date Saturday, but I would love to get a phone call-catchup on the calendar if youre freemaybe Sunday afternoon? (These examples are all people I want to spend time with I also use a lot of swamped this weekend! For me, it was lack of basic adult civility and respect that was the death knell I didnt expect safety or that level of support after 18 and didnt feel wronged that it was not given. But people should take turns is different from someone else should always go first (or for gendered/other status reasons, I should always go first).